Dating as a Journey to Genuine Vulnerability
Why Won't I Just 'Man Up'?
This is part two of Jamall Colloway's debut on Loveawake in which he penned an open love letter confessing doubts and insecurities brought about by a woman who intimates him. In this follow up open letter, he asks himself the question others have asked: "why won't I just 'man up'?"
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Ok, great, I did it. I finally approached you. I would've approached you sooner, but I needed time to examine the internal reasons for my hesitation. I needed to ask myself some critical questions and be honest about why I was so apprehensive in the first place. Everyone thought I was just being weak; friends admonished me to just go up and talk to you. They encouraged me to man up (whatever that means) like some conqueror and step to you before someone else does it.
After all, what is the worse you could’ve said besides no, right? They said women like men with confidence and I needed to exude that confidence if I ever wanted to “pull you.” But I'm not convinced that a lack of confidence was the sole reason I didn't approach you at that time. I think it's deeper than that.
I think I struggled because my confidence was subconsciously placed in everything that doesn’t truly matter in the end. I was apprehensive because I knew that you wouldn't fall right into my lap like all the other women. I had to come to grips with the fact that you weren't going to be impressed by all the material validations, all of the degrees, titles nor any of the bow ties. It was one of the first times, in a long time, where I had to rely on my bare self and be honest instead of impressive.
And honestly, after talking to you for those few minutes, I realized that I was intimidated because I wanted you to be in awe of me. I wanted a signal that I could have you if I wanted you. The problem, my friend, is that I have been socialized in ways that perpetuates elements of patriarchy in the world of heterosexual dating. But before you shake your head and rip this letter apart, give me chance to explain.
I know that black, male privilege was another factor. What first alerted me was your “how can I help you even though I’m busy” facial expression. It was different because I’ve grown accustomed to black women deifying me due to the disproportionate numbers in our field/department/graduate program. Even though I may sit around with friends and bemoan the lack of black women, I secretly enjoy it because it leaves me at a dating advantage. I am, unfortunately, used to people, especially black women, rubbing my ego and telling me what I want to hear.
So instead of viewing you as an equal, respecting your personhood and admiring how far you’ve also come in life as a black woman, I’ve created (and perpetuated) in my mind this myth, this caricature, this ridiculous stereotype of you being an emasculating black woman who receives joy out of telling men you don’t need them. I subscribe to that myth and impose it on any black woman that doesn’t seem desperate for my attention, and for that - I am sorry.
Secondly, it hit me when you gave my your email address instead of your phone number that I have been socialized and spoiled into believing I’m some black male hero who is supposed to get his way with whatever black woman he wants.
I wanted you to tell me how glad and grateful you are that I finally approached you. You seem strong and assertive and it seems that I sadly want the supporting actress depicted in movies like “The Wood”, “The Brothers” and similar films. Society has taught me to desire the woman I can just walk up to at the social event and take home within mere hours.
I’ve been socialized into believing that I’m supposed to be this conquering male who “mans up” and you’re supposed to be the docile female awaiting rescue from your debilitating loneliness, I’ve been taught to be the hero who “gets the girl”, “pulls the chick” and/or captures the prey at the end of the movie/play. I am supposed to “get you” so you can improve me and fix me up while I make you happy by bringing the missing ingredient in your life - testosterone. But you don’t seem interested in that role.
Lastly, I realized after we both decided on a date for coffee that I’ve been trained, as a man, to see love like it’s a war and dating as an all out battlefield. Society has trained me to shine my armor and plan my attack/defense, hoping I don’t end up another emotional casualty on the field with a broken heart and a bruised ego. Besides, nobody wants to play the fool or look ridiculous, right?
So I oftentimes try to find the right things to say, the right clothes to wear. I contrive interesting discussion topics whilst pretending that it’s effortless in the presence of the woman I’m pursuing. I used to tell women I was beyond playing games and, to prove it, I’d explain how I’m laying it all on the table by being myself, but in actuality, I was only exposing my best self, my most attractive and appealing self. I was being the alluring self I wish I were every day so that, hopefully, the woman I was pursuing would fall for me.
I wanted love, but I was intimidated and fearful of experiencing the ramifications of love’s broken promises. But if, and only if, I could somehow get the woman to love me first, I could love them comfortably. I could let down my armor and be my completely imperfect self. And that way of thinking, I see now, was wrong. And if I am going to pursue you, I need to be completely genuine from the start.
I was intimidated because I want you to see me for me, but I also had to examine the reasons why “me” was such an issue. I know now that I no longer want love and dating to be this patriarchal game of war I play to fulfill an insatiable void. I know now that I wasn’t seeing you as the successful and ambitious black woman you are, I was viewing you as the ultimate degree to earn, the job position that should be mine because I’m the only black guy around where diversity is needed. I was looking at you like the ultimate validation instead of the woman that should be approached with sincerity.
And I hope you can forgive me for all that - and so more.