I Like Me!
I like myself!
Arrogant? According to some, having a positive self-worth can be mistaken as a sign of arrogance, hubris or even being offensive. But, after interviewing as many people as I have over the course of the years, I see it as a sign of wisdom and maturity.
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The people who like themselves simply put up with less of the negative that can come with dating and mating. You don’t go out on a second date with someone who insulted or offended you on the first date. In fact, the self-assured almost never respond to someone who uses “negs,” put-downs or one-ups-manship by giving them more of your time… you cut off the contact and move along. Very rarely does a self-assured person let another take advantage of them physically, financially, emotionally or socially. You don’t date the abusers because you KNOW they can do better. You don’t tend to take break-ups personally, deciding instead to take the lesson offered and move on. You value their own time, attention and energy — choosing to not waste it on a bad news bear.
It can be frustrating to be on the other side of the situation with someone who likes themselves when not of the same ilk. Manipulation and coersion don’t work. Persuasion and acting don’t work. Arguing and anger don’t work. And even guilting or shaming the self-assured just drives them away. It can feel like water slipping thru the fingers of a tightly cupped hand… the insecure person just doesn’t know how to keep a secure person in a place of disharmony. What works on the insecure simply does not work on the secure.
This all isn’t to say that the self-assured are completely unaffected by the people around them. Sometimes its possible to chip away at self esteem if a manipulator is given access over long periods of time. Many times you feel the sadness of a dysfunctional relationship dynamic because you really do like the other person – you just know they are not the best person for you. Anger, disappointment, what ifs… it all comes to mind from time to time but the true experience that drives many to seek self-appreciation is the peace that comes with knowing that you know yourself… good and bad. I think with honest self awareness comes honest love for others. When you know and love yourself, you’ve learned how to not expect perfection and still see something worth loving… which translates nicely to loving others well.
Hopefully, you are reading this and recognizing yourself in the self-assured category but if you are wondering how to overcome your lack of self-assurance and become one of the daters who like themselves well enough to not put up with the crap, here are a few tips to help you make the switch:
- Stop running away from the self-examination and take an honest look at your actions and attitudes over the past few years. Some people find it helpful to get a professional to help with this process, but its just as effective to do the work yourself. You need to commit yourself to unwavering honesty and willingness to examine the whys behind your actions and beliefs.
- Identify the limiting beliefs. An example, the voice in your head that sounds something like, “If I’m fat, no one will ever love me.” Or “If I don’t bring in a 6 figure income, I’ll never find a good partner.” Or even, “Every time I open up to someone they hurt me, so I’d rather not share the real me with anyone.”
- Take any of those limiting scripts and change it in your mind to find the valuable in yourself and start repeating the value statements to yourself when a negative thought comes up. If you’ve got a lot of negative self-talk, try a book like “Embracing Your Inner Critic…” to help you learn how to turn it around.
- Find the “lovable” inside of you and start investing. If you’re a great painter… find time to paint. If people love your hospitality, invite more people over. If you’re fast on your feet and a great ball handler, play more soccer. If dogs love you, visit the shelter or go to the dog park more with your puppy. If you excel in spiritual encouragement, get plugged in at your place of worship. By remembering what it feels like to be successful and particularly good at something, its easier to remember that child-like knowledge that you really are pretty great.
- Now transfer the understanding of your own worth to dating and stop making excuses for dating people who don’t see the same thing in you. They don’t have to think you are perfect, but they do need to see that you are worth loving and loving well. When you see it and live it, other people will too.
(I don’t mean to sound glib about something that may really be a challenge in your life, its more for the sake of keeping this readable that I’m not going into great depth on how to make the psychological changes. If you are recognizing that you don’t love yourself well enough to keep the predators and abusers at bay, seek professional help or at least reach out to the friends/family you trust to look out for your best interests. When you manage to change the way you see yourself, it makes a huge difference in the way others see and treat you.)