Or, The Immature Man

An immature man is one of the hardest loves to deal with, because when things are good, they can be so good that it almost makes it worthwhile to put up with the more difficult aspects of the immature man’s not-fully-ripened personality.

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I have a friend who dated an immature man for some time. Really, he was more an overgrown boy than an immature man, but given their ages, “man” suits. He was often charming, and employed charms that he would use to draw my friend to see the pros of giving him his way all the time. Unknowingly, this is the exact opposite of what would have helped him grow up and learn how to consider others in love.

My friend learned that, like male peacocks or great, silver back gorillas, the immature man believed himself King (or Cock <ahem>) of the Jungle of Their Love. Unknowingly, my friend catered to this belief, and the immature man, taking full advantage of her attentions and feelings for him, got stuck in an “I want more, because I deserve it” mode. My friend ran emotionally, and eventually physically, in the opposite direction. It was very sad. The immature man took everything she had to offer and still wanted more. Nothing my friend did was ever enough to convince that overgrown boy she loved him more than any other love of her life. And, very sadly, the more insecure he grew (because she could not fulfill his needs for everything, felt confused and frustrated, and pulled away, causing him to drop into deep pools of insecurity and distrust), the immature man became subtly more arrogant and inconsiderate.

Ironically, the only thing this kind of man respected (or responded to) was someone who had the courage to walk away.

And that is exactly what my friend did: she walked away. No, actually, she tore herself away.

Initially, the immature man saw her walking away as a sign that she did not love him enough, but eventually, after nearly two years, he came come to respect her for not taking anymore of the crap he knew he’d been dishing out. (Because my friend knew her man didn’t honestly—or maturely—care he had disappointed her. There were issues beyond what I’m writing here wherein he lied, broke a repaired trust, then lied again—it made it a bit easier for my friend to leave.)

As an immature man’s partner, you might come to expect that he won’t be able to survive without the daily doses of love and affection, praise, devotion, and excitement he has come to depend on from you. But, even immature men can be quite self-sufficient when left to their own devices. Either they will find someone else who will play their “me, me, me” game or they will learn how to depend on themselves to get what they want. Only the latter will help them gain the self-confidence that will bring out the true generosity, loyalty, and lovableness that other mature men have and are happy to share with their partners. My friend, having moved on, found this relationship one of the hardest to leave ... and she still has moments of wishing they were back together—with one difference: he is a grown up.

Admiration and attentions from others are still important to my friend’s former immature man; I see him out and about, and on dating sites, and in the local watering holes around town ... still alone. But I have endless faith in people, so whenever I see him I look for signs of growth or maturity.

Someday, if he is lucky enough to grow into the mature man he was meant to be, he will recognize his true strengths and gifts, his “light,” if you will, whether or not there’s a loving partner around to provide that validation.